Maisara's pov

It's hurting. Not my leg. It's doing fine. It's hurting everywhere else, my chest and my head the most.

The anxiety and fear of what's about to come next is killing me. I'm about to reject Felix and cut him off from my life, for real this time. This is bound to happen. I'm sure he knows it too. This is the most realistic thing to do. Yet my heart is not agreeing with it. Of course, it won't. But my body seems to reject the idea as well. Whenever I think about it, I'm feeling sick.

After we ran out of the hospital, we came straight to my car and got in. Almost immediately, Felix started the engine and we drove away. We weren't sure what it was that we did but we were happy like teenagers in love.

However as the car started speeding away and the dopamine started fading, the realization hit me. There is no way that I can accept him. No matter what I feel about him. Moreover, he didn't ask me out or anything like that. He just expressed his feelings. I'm not even sure if I should say anything in reply.

But I won't keep any contact with him from today. So, I think it's better to talk about it and cut connection like a civilized person. Nothing about it is civilized but still.

The car is speeding nearly at a hundred kilometers per hour. The window is down. Air is hitting my face with the force of water coming out of a spray hose. I'm enjoying the feeling but it's not helping much with the dread I'm going through.

Last Christmas by Wham is playing in the car. I look over at Felix. He is the one who has chosen the song. I don't usually listen to songs. Well, he is also the one driving. Unlike me, he seems to enjoy the moment. He is lip-syncing to the song occasionally tilting his head side to side with the beat. His side of the window is also down. Air is making a mess of his hair but he doesn't seem to mind. Rather he seems to enjoy that too.

Sensing my eyes on him, he turns to look at me. And like every other time, I get butterflies in my tummy when our gazes collide. He smiles at me which looks so genuine that I become aware of the ache in my heart again.

"What is it?" He enthusiastically asks turning his eyes back on the road. Now I start thinking about how to reply to this question. Do I tell him that I love looking at him right now? Or that I love his hair? Or that I love him in general?

I obviously can't do that. So how about I take a 180-degree turn and go with "I am gonna break your heart"?

"Nothing." I go with the most civilized reply that comes to my mind. His smile grows as he looks over again and nods towards my legs. "How is your leg?"

"It's okay now," I say, eyeing the heels that I have taken off and put under the dashboard. The pain is non-existent. I noticed that before he confessed. Now I wiggle my legs from left to right to check again. Nope, all good.

"I'm glad that the report is normal," he says as I lean my head back against the headrest. The headache is increasing. Closing my eyes, I reply, "Told you it's nothing. You were the one making a fuss about it."

"That was necessary." His voice floats in the air. I don't bother arguing anymore and just nod in agreement. Turning my head to the window, I let the air hit my face again.

"You okay?" I don't know why he is asking that but it again feels like his voice is floating. Wait, no, I think I'm floating. What is happening?

"I'm fine," I almost squeak out the words as I start feeling lightheaded. Clearing my throat, I answer, "Just.......just tired."

I swear I feel his hand hovering over mine but I don't find the strength in myself to open my eyes and confirm it. Instead, I hear him say softly, "You can sleep. I will wake you up when we reach your place."

I must actually have fallen asleep because I'm startled awake when the engine goes off. It takes a minute for me to get ahold of my surroundings. We are still in the car. The windows are up now. We are outside of the apartment I'm living currently, on the other side of the road.

My seat is down, so I'm almost lying on it. I sit up straight and feel something falling from me. Looking down, I find Felix's suit jacket draped over my lap. I turn my head in his direction to find him staring at my soul, literally with his body turned towards me. He smiles as our eyes meet and goosebumps rise on my skin.

"Were you watching me sleeping?"

"Finally you wake up."

Both of us speak at the same time. Felix's smile grows wider while I narrow my eyes. He ends up laughing. "I just looked at you."

"No, you didn't," I say folding the suit in my hand. "Creep."

He laughs again. I extend the suit to him. He shakes his head.

"Keep it. It's cold outside. You can return it later." He looks out of the window as if to prove his point. I pull his hand, flip it up, and place the suit in it. "There is no later, Felix."

I see the way his smile slowly vanishes and his eyes widen slightly. And I swear I feel his heart dropping to his stomach. Or maybe it's my heart that has done that. I turn my head to look out of the window this time, mainly to avoid seeing the gradual deterioration of his reaction.

"What do you mean?" He asks a second later too calmly. I take a deep breath. The time has finally come. Am I prepared for it? Absolutely not. Should I do it? Yes. Is it the right thing to do? From my point of view, it seems the right choice. Then why am I feeling so bad about it?

I don't know. Just like I don't know what I'm going to say to his face to reject him and cut him off from my life forever at the same time.

I look back at him. Honestly, I hate seeing him breaking down before my eyes and it will kill me too. But I still want to look him in the eyes when I'm saying it.

He is looking so serious now. All the playfulness, all the amusement, and all the smiles are gone. His lips are pressed together into a thin line and he is staring at me so intently that I feel a clench in my heart. Bracing myself, I speak, as firmly as I can, "There is no later, no after. This is where our story ends."

I take a pause to gather my words and he takes it as a chance to express his thoughts. "What are you-"

I stop him. "Let me finish, okay?" Taking a long breath, I start again, "I don't want to keep contact with you anymore from today. That's what I intended to do when I suddenly cut you off. That wasn't a proper way and I'm sorry for that. I should have let you know instead of suddenly ghosting you and unintentionally humiliating you. That wasn't my purpose. Now that I'm clear with you about my intention. I expect you to cooperate with me as well and not try to have any more contact with me from today. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say."

Eh, that sounds too professional. But I don't know how to say it casually without sounding rude. It's still rude but I feel like it's less.

Felix doesn't think so. And he shouldn't either.

He raises his eyebrows and leans back. "You're joking, right?" And he knows I'm not because there are no signs of amusement in him when he says that. I sigh, shaking my head.

"So it's not a joke?" He rubs a hand over his face turning away from me. Leaning his head against the headrest, he closes his eyes, mumbling, "So it's real."

I still say nothing. He still has a lot to say it seems. Or to express. He is staring ahead silently, his body so still that he might not be even breathing. I see his Adam's apple bobbing up and down two times before he turns to look at me again. His eyes are slightly red. "Why, Maisara? Why do you need to cut ties with me?"

I gulp. How the hell can I get out of it? How the hell can I even cut ties with him? It would be so damn easy if he hated me. It would be so damn easy if I still had the same feelings I had for him all my life. It would be so damn easy if I still hated him like I did before I met him at that restaurant that night. It would be better if I never met him again.

Biting my inner cheeks, I respond with honesty, "I want to be a better person. I want to be more religious. I want to be closer to Allah SWT. I want to focus. And you are a distraction. You have the power to distract me from my religion. And damn, how powerful it is! You make me want to sin. You make me forget my obligations to my God. And it keeps getting worse day by day. I don't want that much downgrade for myself."

That's an indirect insult to him. I find no other way to fabricate the words. Moreover, that's of no use. He needs the truth.

It seems hard for him to digest my words. He looks borderline frantic. His eyes keep darting away as if trying to find something to look at and failing. His fingers rank through his hair and then run back down his face. His chest is heaving up and down with heavy breaths. He opens his mouth to say something and closes it as if he is struggling to find the correct words. Then he opens again and speaks in almost a panicked voice, stammering over his words, "I..... I would be less of a distraction. I won't bother you or disturb you much. We can meet or contact once a week. But if it's too much, we can do that once a month. If you don't want that, we can do it once every two months. Even if you don't-"

I put a hand over his hands that are grabbing his suit tightly to stop his rambling. "Felix," I whisper, trying not to make him panic more. That's not necessary because whatever I say afterward will only make him panic more. His frantic eyes focus on me. They look glossy. I clearly see the pain behind them. Holding his hands and looking him in the eyes, I say the most atrocious thing ever, "I don't want you in my life anymore."

That cuts the last string that has been holding him together. He breaks down before me. "Maisara, please don't do this." Pulling my hand, he clasps it between his own two and holds them together in front of his chest like prayer. Tears spill from his eyes like raindrops, slowly and silently. "Please, I......I beg you. Don't make me go through this. I can't live without you. Please. I will do whatever you say. I will...... I will......"

I start seeing myself in him all of a sudden, that me who kneeled before Ryker and begged all those years ago. How incredibly helpless and insignificant I felt at that time. All of that comes rushing back to me. I feel a lump in my throat and a burning sensation behind my eyes.

Taking a deep breath, I pull my hand out from his grip with much difficulty and pull his hands down on his lap. I place my other hand on the side of his face.

"Felix," I just call his name and stop because my throat is closing. My eyes are getting blurry. Blinking repeatedly, I rub my fingers over his cheeks, wiping his tears away. Clearing my throat, I say as gently as possible, "Please don't bring yourself down this much. With time, you will get over me. You deserve so much better than me. You WILL get so much better than me."

These words may not have much effect on him. But these are the words I needed to hear back then. And nobody was there for me. It might be hypocritical but I'm here for Felix. Even if it's for tonight.

He stares at me for a few seconds, eyes filled with so many unsaid words, so many complaints and so much pleading. However, a second later, he only says, "I don't want better. I want you."

I move away from him. It's time to say goodbye. One more second with him and I might change my mind. Keeping my eyes on his, I say for the last time, "I'm sorry. I don't have any choice. I have to make a decision between you and Allah SWT. And I will always choose Him over anything anytime."

I turn around, open my side of the door, and get out as quickly as possible. Shutting the door behind me, I start walking. Speeding up with each step, I keep chanting to myself, "Look straight. Keep walking. Look straight. Keep walking." Until my vision starts turning so blurry that I can't see anymore. Until I'm running for the door. Until I jump into the elevator and keep pressing the button to close it and take me to my floor like a lunatic woman. Because if I don't, I'm afraid I will run back straight to his arm and never think of anything else anymore.

I'm glad that he didn't come after me. However, I have heard his heart-shattering scream that has penetrated through his closed car windows and reached me.