My Lifeline (Chapter 1)

 

I have nothing in my life, nobody, and nothing. I do not see any purpose in my life either. A person with no parents, no siblings, no friends, no possession and no ambition is a waste of living. 

I have had nothing better to do and too much burden on my shoulders. Burden or sorrow or whatever the fuck it is you wanna call. It's the same thing.

“The business tycoon Neil Miller's only son now lives in slums” is apparently a far worse news headline than “The business tycoon Neil Miller and family died in a house fire, leaving no heir and millions of wealth.” And I believe it too. Which is why, I should have died along with mom and dad in that nasty fire.

But God has thought that I needed to see hell on Earth before going to hell after death. So, He has decided to keep only me alive.

I have stopped believing in the goodness of God since that day. God definitely exists and maybe wants good for his other creatures and definitely doesn't want any good for me. I'm born for seeing, experiencing, and eating shits in life. And undoubtedly I am a shit myself.

Yet somehow. I have managed to get a tulip flower. She resembles her name perfectly, soft and elegant and sweet and patient. She is a ray of sunshine in my dark world. No, she is the Sun in my dark world. She is the only hope I have ever had in my nineteen years of life. She is the lifeline in my life. The day I lose her will be the last day of my life.

How I have met her is so random and unexpected. My life in school consists of beating the fuckers in school and sleeping in the detention room. It is one of those days where I have it bad, senses all over the place and bleeding from the fight. It is a small town school. Kids are well-behaved, so the detention room mostly remains empty. I never escape, simply because I have nowhere to go. So, Ms. Adams does not stay here either.

That’s why, when I hear the shuffling noise. I have thought that it is a rat or a squirrel. But a few moments later, I hear, “Excuse me?” 

Words fail to describe how that voice has been and how it has made me feel. It resembles the sound of a spring in a quiet forest. It resembles the sound of waves in a calm ocean. It resembles the sound of rain falling on the concrete floor. It is such a soothing and melodic tone that even a beast will get tamed by it. I believe the sirens that lure the travellers in the deep ocean must have a voice like this.

And how have I felt? The same person who has not been able to form one single thought since morning suddenly has a clear mind like never before. Suddenly, I am not feeling pain anywhere. I am feeling colours suddenly. It sounds absurd and made up but that is what I have felt. 

I move the jacket from my face to get a look at the person whose voice has fucked me up like this within a matter of seconds. And that alone is another whole emotional journey I have felt within another matter of seconds. I can write a book alone describing the feelings I have felt for her only in our first meeting. And I have been numb since my parents died.

It feels like my heart is beating for the first time. To say that she is a beautiful girl would be an understatement. Like her name, if a tulip flower was a human, it would be her. She has some godlike aura. In the tales of goddesses, she should resemble one of them. I'm pretty sure she is the reincarnation of either a Goddess or a Queen. Her pale skin tone, pale hair, and pale eyes are all proof of that. And she has a heart just as soft as her looks.

I feel a shiver when her eyes run over my body, pausing at places and widening at cuts and bruises. I'm a filthy man, so I definitely imagine what it would be like to be naked before her and have her watch me completely. I take a breath.

Nothing particularly happens that day. She has come to find Ms. Adams. As she has seen the cuts on my body, she starts treating them. Much to my protest, I actually start liking her subtle touch here and there. She has put “Hello Kitty” themed Band-Aids on small cuts. I still have those Band-Aids safe with me along with many other things she has given me over the year.

That has been our starting point. She starts visiting more often, sometimes to find Ms. Adams and other times to talk to me. I have not been talking to her, it's mainly her who has done all the talking. I just listen.

Despite my darkness, I start getting close to the light, to the sunshine I never deserve, to the hope that makes me not want to destroy myself. And then one day, I have requested her to stay in my life forever. And she has accepted.

That is the gravest mistake I have ever made in my life. I should have known my place. I should have known my limits. I should have known that my darkness is contagious. I should have been more careful. Otherwise, today would have never happened. She is such a delicate and pure softness. How did I stoop so low as to show her my withdrawal? Have I wanted her pity? Isn’t her love enough for me anymore?

I was, am, and will be a fucking loser. Some people are not born to change their fate. I am one of them.

I am doomed to be destroyed. And now, I have got another life to destroy too.

When have I become so greedy that destroying myself has stopped becoming enough for me? When have I become so greedy as to want to live again?

I stare out of the window of my room, watching my lifeline walk away and wishing that she had actually chosen to walk away from my life too. A slug that is born in darkness, dies in sunlight.