My Lifeline (Chapter 2)

 

I stare at the bloody mess before me. It is not dead, so no worries.

I light a cigarette with bloody hands, painting the white stick red. Pulling one long puff, I release the smoke, watching as the view before me gets covered by it. The bloody mess before me stirs a little as the smoke reaches it.

I do not usually smoke. Ironic, I know. But smoking does not do what the doses can. So, it mostly feels like a waste.

That does not mean that I never smoke. I do, occasionally. Sometimes, it is for luxury. Other times, it is to clear my mind.

At this moment, it is the latter. And it is not working.

Communication is the key in a relationship. Who the fuck said it?

If communication does anything, it ruins everything. I have always believed it, and today’s incident has just proved me right. I have been dumb to even believe otherwise for a moment.

Do I realise that those shots are bad? Of course, I do. That’s one of the reasons I am taking them anyway.

I should leave them, right? Then what will replace them? What will fill the void I feel inside me? What will soothe me? What will calm me down?

I should contact the student counsellor first, no? Well, she fucking hates me. She thinks I am a useless piece of shit and I do not deserve anything but death. It is true, however. So, how will she ‘help’ me?

And who says I need help? My girl does. But do I need help? Nope.

I just have to get myself together. I just have to hide that side of me better from her. I just have to love her more deeply, show it to her by words and actions. I just have to be better at lying.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

When my girl keeps visiting me for a few more times after randomly stumbling upon me in the detention room, I already have an idea where it is going. I could have stopped all of it that time. But also, I couldn’t. A dying fish on the mainland will grasp even the tiniest droplets of water.

I believe that when you are suddenly interacting with a new person or a new thing, you start getting more information or noticing more patterns concerning that person or thing. Likewise, I start getting information about this new girl I suddenly find myself quite fascinated about. Almost everything has been good about her. No surprise because I have already known by then that she is an angel reincarnation. Only one thing has been difficult for me to digest.

Rick Rosemary has been pretty much obsessed with her. And everyone knows it. Worse thing, everyone pretty much calls her ‘Rick’s girl’ behind her back.

Insecurities cause jealousy. And I haven’t even held her hands yet where my soul has already started yearning for hers.

So, I couldn’t do anything because I never had control in my hands in the first place. When the overthinking starts burying me, I randomly blurt out, “You know Rick Rosemary?” one random afternoon.

The look on her face after that question pretty much answers all of my doubts. It is clear on her face that she is not into him, or maybe she never was. I am hopelessly hopeful when it comes to her, so I grab onto the latter.

After that day, I have never asked her anything anymore. But I think she knows that I am aware.

I have never seen her interacting with him ever, so I have been at peace with this information. Well, maybe I have even forgotten it.

But seeing him hovering over her in the library pretty much takes me back to that day when I have first heard the word ‘Rick’s girl’. Is this what she has felt when she has seen me miserable and writhing on my bedroom floor and taking a shot afterwards?